Never Call Nekomaru
by Kianlon
Summary: Just... don't do it.


"Ugh, why won't Coach answer his damn phone?!" Akane yelled, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she and the rest of Class 77-B were in the middle of receiving a lecture from Kizakura on the evils of underage drinking (as he was fighting off "the worst hangover of his life"... for the seventh time that month).

By some miracle, everyone, with the exception of whoever the Ultimate Impostor was and Nekomaru had actually shown up to class. And all of them gave a collective shudder when they heard the outburst.

"...why would you want to call him?" Chiaki asked, not even looking up from her handheld.

"Uh, so we can ditch this stupid lecture and go train! If he's givin' 'it' to that baseball punk again, I'm tellin' ya I'll-"

"That's not what she meant," Kazuichi interrupted, turning around in his seat. "You've gotta be the only one in the whole school that still tries to actually call him! Why would you put yourself through that?"

Kizakura continued with his lecture, despite the fact that no one was actually paying attention to him.

"I c-c-can't even b-bring myself to t-text him anymore…" Mikan cried. She got a couple nods of agreement.

"Gross! I have to agree with that pigshit?" Hiyoko complained, prompting Mikan to apologize for five minutes on end in the background as the conversation continued. Mahiru's subsequent lecture to Hiyoko on her manners and her lecture to Mikan on the importance of self-worth were likewise ignored.

"What could ever be bad about being involved in a phone conversation with any of you talented Ultimates? Please explain it, for someone as lowly as myself will likely never have the pleasure," Nagito chimed in. Everyone scooted their chairs slightly further away from him.

Akane looked incredibly confused… and offended. "Hey, there's nothin' wrong with talkin' to the old man!"

"Yeah, if you know what a normal… conversation…" Kazuichi trailed off as he realized who he was talking to. "Help, someone?"

"Fool! As I am not of this mortal realm, the art of conversing with mortals such as yourselves is new to me, yet I am managing - but you would think that one who was birthed in this realm would know of its mysteries…" Gundham interjected, not helping at all.

"A-a-actually, I kinda like it," Teruteru said awkwardly.

After the obligatory chorus of "Gross!", Sonia chose to contribute. "I for one see no reason not to converse with Nekomaru over the phone. I am learning much about cultural boundaries in Japan!"

"...see, shit like that is why the rest of us don't call him," Fuyuhiko said after an awkward pause. "I don't give a fuck about anyone's shits, and I'm not about to start now!"

Mitarai mumbled, not looking up from his drawing, "At least I'm learning to write innuendos…"

"It is much easier to figure out the meaning behind his words when you see him face to face," Peko explained. "Although I am still trying to figure out the meaning of -"

"It doesn't matter! Everything that old guy says is disgusting," Hiyoko interrupted, prompting Mahiru to start her lecture over from the beginning.

"That's it, no one talks smack about Coach! He ain't even - WHAT THE HELL?!" Akane's attempts to give Hiyoko what most people would consider a well-deserved beating were stopped by Peko, Gundham, and Mahiru holding her back. "Look, can someone just gimme a straight -"

Ibuki cut her off. "Straight answers are Ibuki's specialty!" A few members of the class actually burst out laughing at that. "All the others are trying to say that they don't want to hear the things that Nekomaru does while he's on the phone. Y'know, like -"

Ibuki was interrupted by the sound of Akane's phone ringing.

"Finally! Yo, Coach, where are ya?" Akane asked, somehow managing to throw the three people who were holding her back from hitting Hiyoko off of her long enough for her to answer her phone. "...heh. You're right, I should know what that sounds like by now."

Most of the class was listening in out of morbid curiosity. "If your shit doesn't take too long, we could prob'ly squeeze in some of 'it' before lunch starts… heh, yeah, I know, but my body needs 'it'! Four times a day isn't nearly enough!"

Some of the listeners looked slightly horrified (not Teruteru; he was aroused). "And this time ya needta finish 'it'! No quittin' until 'it' 's all done!... geez, it's not like 'it' was _bad_ or anything, but if ya think ya can go harder…"

"Well… there's my answer," Kazuichi mumbled, trying to pull his hat further over his ears. "She still calls him 'cause _she's just as bad._"

Peko crossed out another word from a list. 'It' probably didn't refer to fighting.

* * *

**Author's Note: It's been awhile, hasn't it? I wrote this in about half an hour, looked at it and thought "what have I done?" I believe it would take place while Chisa is teaching the reserve course during DR3. Will I be producing more content for this fandom or in general? I have no idea. I am actually making progress on fixing my PJO fic (y'know, now that _Heroes of Olympus _is actually finished) but I don't trust myself to keep any kind of consistency with updates. As for Danganronpa... I have so many ideas that could become one-shots so we'll see what gets finished I guess.**


End file.
